Barbara's Blog

A mother's day greeting from India...

A dear reader from India wrote this to me about Mother's Day and it moved me to tears. He wrote: "Belated Happy Mother's Day! I know that I am 2 days late to wish you a Happy Mother's Day but in this message I am going to express my views on the Mother's Day.... A friend of mine asked me about what values of life have you learned from your mother that have been helping you to live a better life as... you say that your mom is best! While dwelling over it I realized that nobody told us how to take care of our thinking. Nobody told us how to deal with our thoughts. Nobody told us how to solve the inner work. Nobody told us the true meaning of happiness and life which in fact are the utmost values of life to be learned and I realize that it's only few awakening souls who have told me and are telling me how to fly happily through the life. In my life, it's only you who have given me the greatest gift. It's only you who showed me the way and doubtlessly I feel that you have fulfilled the term" MOTHER '' IN MY life and all your teachings are making the real difference in my life... But with no doubts I truly love my mother for all her support as nothing would have been possible if she was not there..."
And I can only reply that most certainly dear one, our biological mothers did not teach us these things because they did not know about these things themselves otherwise they most surely would have …

The art of treating everyone kindly (including you)

I have always tried to treat everyone kindly and with respect. The challenge is how do this without being a doormat, especially when you are dealing with someone who is disrespectful or abusive and who violates your boundaries. It’s taken me my whole life to discover that this is what the art of being assertive is all about. Learning to take care of yourself (respecting you) while treating everyone else kindly and with respect. And yes, it really is an art and yes it can be really difficult to practice at times. Really difficult! But it’s definitely worth the effort, because as you learn to be assertive, you discover to your great delight that it’s so much easier to respect yourself and everyone else at the same time.

My husband shouldn't be seeing another woman

A woman came to me and said she was upset because her husband was seeing another woman. He met her on a business trip and now he was spending time with her. So what’s the problem I asked? She replied, “My husband shouldn’t be with other women.” Oh I said and then asked… “Well is it true? Is it true that your husband shouldn’t be seeing another woman? What’s the reality? Is he?” And she said, “Yes the reality is he is seeing another woman and that’s really upsetting.” And I said, “I see,” and then I asked her “Why is this upsetting?” And she replied, “Because I want to be married to someone who doesn’t look at or flirt with other women.” OK I said, “Well okay that’s fair enough. What I hear you saying is that you only want to be married to someone who only looks at you and only desires you and only sleeps with you. That is your preference. And that’s fair enough.” And then I said to her, “but what’s the reality? According to you, you’re not. According to you, you’re married to a man who looks at, desires and perhaps is even sleeping with another woman. And since I know it’s impossible to change other people, I can only conclude you must be married to the wrong man!”
   This little story illustrates the dilemma so many of us face in our relationships – we want other people to change to make us happy. And the problem here is it never works. The reason being – it’s impossible to change other people. The only one who can ever change another person is that person himself or herself. So when we want other people to change to make us happy, we always end up feeling miserable. Because we’re trying to do the impossible – and also because we’re basing our happiness on other people’s behavior, which is always a bad idea because it means we’re giving our power away and making ourselves victims of outer circumstances.
   When we understand this, it doesn’t mean we can’t have our preferences. It doesn’t mean you can’t prefer to be in a relationship with a partner who is only interested in you. But if you are in a relationship where this isn’t the case, trying to change the other person to fit what you want to make you happy is like trying to control the wind. It’s impossible. (And again this is not so much a question of right and wrong but a question of seeing reality and understanding what you can change and what you can’t.)
   In general, the whole idea of “making” another person do something or love you is ridiculous to begin with because it’s just not possible. People do what they do and love who they love. And it’s always been like that and it’s always going to be like that and there’s nothing you can do about it. And if you really think about it, the whole idea of “forcing” someone to love you… well that sure doesn’t sound like love does it!
   Which only leaves you with YOU… which is good news. So how about working on being the love you are seeking out there (from him and from everyone else) and then see what happens?

 

Our children belong to the universe...

Some parents think it’s their job to make their children happy and to think for them – but this is not true. It’s not the parents’ job to think for their children or to make them happy. How do I know this is true? I know this because it’s impossible for one human being to think for another human being or to make another human being happy. This is the impersonal universal law. It’s the mechanism of mind that operates equally for all human beings. There are no exceptions to this law. And this means that each individual is living in his or her own mental universe, which means that each human being is experiencing the results of his or her own thoughts. (See my new book “The Awakening Human Being” for a detailed explanation of this impersonal mechanism.) .

This doesn’t mean that parents shouldn’t love their children and treat them with respect. But treating children with respect means respecting their intelligence, their individuality, their right to be who they are – and not trying to think for them (which is impossible) or expecting them to make you happy or for you to make them happy (also impossible)..

Unfortunately since most people do not understand the mechanism of mind which says that it’s an impersonal, universal law that each person can only experience their own thoughts and interpretations of the events that are unfolding in their lives – a lot of confusion arises. And thus because people who are parents don’t understand the mechanism, they mistakenly think that it’s their job to make their kids happy. But it doesn’t work no matter how “hard” parents may try – and this is because it’s the child’s own thoughts and interpretation of events that determine their child’s state of mind. When you look around you, you can see for yourself that this is true. And this explains why one child who has been spoiled and given everything is still miserable, unsatisfied and always cranky while another child who may have very little (in the way of attention or possessions) is joyful and positive about life and his or her possibilities..

So when we understand this mechanism, it leaves us (the parents) with the following – it’s our job to take responsibility for our own lives and our own happiness and in this way teach our children (by our own example) the laws of the universe and the mechanism of mind. When children see their parents living sane, responsible, and authentic lives with integrity, they will follow their example. Again this is because the reality is that parents teach their children through their actions and behavior (not their words). The reality is that children naturally copy their parents’ behavior because this is the model for life and relationships they see and are exposed to. (Which is also why dysfunctional behavior gets passed down from generation to generation despite the parents firm desire not to do what their parents did!).

So it’s important to remember:.

- Children didn’t come into this world to make you happy (that’s your job).
- It’s not your job to make your children happy (that’s their job).
- And this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take care of your children and treat them with love and respect.
- Everyone wants to be free (including your children). It’s the universal urge in us all. No one fights to be a slave.
- And this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t set limits and take care of your children when they are small.
- But as they grow older, a parent’s job is to let go and trust in the intelligence of their children.
- Children came into their world to live their own lives (that’s their job).
- You came into this world to live your own life (that’s your job).
- You can’t know what your child’s dream is.
- You are probably having a hard enough time figuring out what your own dream is.
- You can’t know what’s best for your child.
- Can you even know what’s best for you?
- Your child has a right to be who he or she is.
- And this doesn’t mean that you cannot set limits in your home.
- And this doesn’t mean you cannot explain to your children and show them through your words and actions that everything we say and do has consequences. 
- You cannot prevent your children experiencing the consequences of their thoughts, words and actions.
- This is the order of the universe and the sooner children learn this, the better.
- You cannot prevent your children from making what you think are “mistakes”.
- How else can they learn about life?
- How did you learn about life?.

All this also means that it’s okay to show your kids that you’re not perfect (the reality) and that you don’t know all the answers (also the reality) and that sometimes life is difficult for you (also the reality) but that you’re doing the best you can to figure things out (also reality) and hopefully follow your integrity (probably your preference). And since this is a sane, realistic assessment and approach to life, it’s also a sane, realistic way of interacting with the young human beings who are in your care for some years.

 

Meet the family this Christmas and keep your peace of mind

Sitting with clients every day has made me realize that so many people are feeling a bit uneasy at the moment because they are beginning to think about spending Christmas with their families. If this sounds like you, the information in this article will help you understand what’s going on and how to deal with your issues more sanely and constructively.

Many people dread family get-togethers even if they really do love each other. We see this happening often – maybe you’ve even had this experience yourself and wonder why it’s so difficult. You really do love these people after all. The discomfort of meeting family is usually most obvious around Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving and any other holiday where families traditionally meet. And this discomfort arises for adults who are meeting their parents (no matter how old the parents are) and for parents who are meeting their grown-up children (no matter how old the children are).

This discomfort arises for many reasons. It can help to examine some of the reasons why this happens because just understanding why this happens can give more peace of mind.

So let’s step back for a moment and remind ourselves of the basic mechanisms of mind. First of all it’s good to remember that each individual lives in his/her own mental universe. This is a universal law. This also means there is no common experience which everyone in the family is having at the same time.  What one person experiences has nothing to do with what the other person or people experience. What I experience has nothing to do with what you experience.  One person can think everything is just wonderful and be having a good time while the next person can be having quite a different experience.  So remember, just because you think things went well, it doesn’t mean everyone else shares your experience. And vice versus, just because you feel unhappy or freaked out of your mind, it doesn’t mean everyone else felt the same way. This is because we can only experience our own thoughts, stories and interpretation of events. So there is no one common “family” experience but as many different experiences as there are people present. And we don’t (we can’t) experience what the other people are thinking or their stories about what’s going on – we can only experience our own stuff. 

When you understand this, you can also see that since each person is living and experiencing his/her own mental universe, this must include his or her dysfunctional beliefs, thoughts and stories (programming) and the dysfunctional behavior that arises as a result of these dysfunctional beliefs and stories.  And because of this, it is also easy to see and understand that when the family gets together, it triggers each member’s individual issues – whatever they are! This is getting real about family get-togethers. This is waking up to the reality that people have a wide range of issues stemming from their family background and growing up years – and that family get-togethers are a great trigger for these issues. Hence the discomfort – your discomfort, his discomfort, her discomfort, yes everyone’s discomfort! 

The reality is: Most families are more or less dysfunctional – there’s no shame in this.
It’s just the way things are…

The reality is: Most people are more or less confused – and there’s no shame in this either.
It’s just the way things are…

So if all this is true, what can we do about it?

Well here are some good things to remind yourself of before you meet the family!

1) It’s not your job to fix it
You are not responsible for what the other people in your family are feeling and experiencing. Remind yourself that everyone is feeling and experiencing what they are feeling and experiencing because of their own individual thoughts and beliefs. Their happiness or unhappiness is a result of their interpretation of what is going on. You can’t change this. You can’t prevent this from happening. This is universal law – an impersonal mechanism.

Family meetings trigger each member’s issues. And again, you can’t prevent this from happening and you can’t change this. Nor are you to blame for this happening. Again this is an impersonal mechanism.

It’s not your job to fix this or fix the other people in your family. And the reality is – you can’t. Your job is to take care of you – and to realize that your own experience is your own. You are responsible for taking care of yourself in this situation – you are not responsible for taking care of the other people. (And this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t treat everyone with respect). What it does mean is that you are not responsible for the other people’s happiness. (And again, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be kind, considerate, polite, and loving. Nor does this mean you shouldn’t learn to communicate clearly and set limits as to what is ok for you and what is not.)

2) Mind your own business
If other people have problems or issues when the family gets together, then it’s their job to figure out how to deal with their problems. He or she can go to therapy, read books, go to a 12-step program or do whatever it takes to deal with their issues. It’s not your job. Your job is to deal with your own issues.  It can be a great help to remember that you can’t know what’s good or bad in the long run for anyone in your family. What may seem like a crisis or a source of great discomfort to someone at the moment may in fact be the start of a great awakening for this person.

And this doesn’t mean you can’t say what you think. You can.

You can do what you like. Always. (And yes, all our words and actions have consequences – but this doesn’t mean you can’t do what you like. You can. You always can.)

3) It’s not so black and white
Remember you can all probably have a good time together even if there is some discomfort. It’s good to remember that things are usually not so black and white. Even if there is some discomfort, there will probably be some good moments too. The reality is that your feelings and experience change and so does everyone else’s, so most family get-togethers are a mixture. And yes, it is possible to live with unresolved problems and issues. (Again, this is reality. We’re all living with unresolved problems and issues!)

You don’t have to agree about everything. You can disagree on things and still have a good time. Agreement and love are two different things. You can love someone and disagree on lots of stuff. Again, look at the reality. Do you agree with everything the people you love think or say?

You probably love each other – even if you’re mad as hell. That’s just the way it is.

4) Be good to you
Be extra kind to yourself when being with your family triggers the feelings of your wounded inner child. If you feel bad, know that this is okay. And when this happens (and it probably will), remember it’s your job to be your own loving parent and take good care of yourself. It helps to realize that none of these other people (no matter how good their intentions or how much they love you) can do this for you. This is your job. And with a little practice, you can do this.

I know this might sound hard, but it also helps to realize that even though you really love these people, you don’t need them to live a happy life. Getting together will probably work better for you if you’re not so desperate about wanting things to work out well.  (And this doesn’t mean that this is not your preference).

And finally if meeting the family is problematic for you, it also helps to realize that meeting the family will probably continue to be problematic for you – maybe for the rest of your life. But that if you are willing to do some inner work and then keep the basic principles outlined above in mind when you meet the family, things will probably be a little easier for you each time you meet. And if not, well remember, you can survive without your family.

5) When it’s best to stay away
There are also cases when it’s simply best to stay away from your family. If one or both of your parents or any other member of your family is abusive in any way, it’s your job to take care of you. And this means in situations like this, it’s probably best to stay away. This may also be the case if one of your parents or another family member is an alcoholic, a drug addict or dangerous (violent) in any way. Unfortunately, this is the reality in some highly dysfunctional families – even if the various family members maintain that everything is okay. All this means is that they’re in denial!  But just because they’re in denial, it doesn’t mean you have to be. So regardless of what they say and whether or not your family understands – if you feel abused, violated, unsafe, or shamed – stay away!

I also highly recommend that if you come from this kind of background, you go to a 12-step program to get a little clarity about your situation. 12-step programs, such as ACA or Al-Anon, are extremely healing and liberating for people from dysfunctional families. Becoming a member and going to meetings regularly can help you understand your experience and why you feel like you do. When you begin to understand the mechanisms of dysfunctional families, you will better understand your wounds, insecurities and why you have such difficulty dealing with your family. And then, as you begin to gain a little clarity about your past, the programs can help you better understand that each and every one of us has a right to our own reality and that it’s each individual person’s job learn to take care of themselves in relation to their dysfunctional families. And yes, this is something you can learn and do!”

Love,
Barbara

Can you look at yourself sanely and realistically?

I notice a lot of people have difficulty with what I call sane self-appraisal. Here's what I mean... Whenever you say, I ”should” or “shouldn’t” about yourself… for example I “shouldn’t” be so nervous, I “shouldn’t” weigh so much, I “should” be more productive, I “should” be more successful, I “should” have more money… you are saying I ”should” be different than I am. This is the same as saying I “shouldn’t” be me – which is not sane self-appraisal. In fact, it's a really painful way of thinking which leads to anxiety, guilt, depression and low self-esteem.
   When you notice this and stop beating yourself up for being you, it doesn’t mean you can’t have goals and work to improve yourself. But healthy self-improvement begins with sane self-appraisal which means accepting who you are and making a sane and realistic assessment of your strengths and weaknesses and where you are in your development. When you do this, you recognize yourself as a member of the human race who isn’t perfect (whatever that means) and who faces challenges just like everyone else.  When you do this, you are acting like a psychologically mature adult who is able to say… well considering who I am and where I’m going and what I would like to achieve, it might be a good idea to work on this or focus on this or try this…
   This is the mature approach to self-improvement – because it’s based on a sane and realistic appraisal of who you are right now, which is much more peaceful, positive and productive than saying “I shouldn’t be me.”

Coaching or spirituality?

There seems to be a lot of confusion out there when it comes to what coaching is about and what spirituality is about. And fortunately for us, reality will clear up this matter for each of us – sooner or later.  
   Let’s look at spiritual teaching first.
   The reality is that everything in the physical world is impermanent and will sooner or later be taken from us. Everything. Our jobs, our houses, our money, our minds, our loved ones, our bodies. Everything. That’s the nature of reality as far as physical bodies are concerned. And in this respect, Life/Reality/God or whatever you want to call the life force is perfectly equal and clear. It happens for all of us. No one can avoid this. So sooner or later we all have the privilege and opportunity to face these truths and look deeply into this reality.
   And when you start to look more deeply into reality you discover that the more you are attached to things – to jobs, houses, money, our minds, our loved ones, our bodies – the more you are going to suffer when you have to let go of them. And that’s pretty much what all the great spiritual teachers have been teaching us. They have been teaching us to look beyond the changing material world to the eternal verities if we truly want to find peace of mind. So that’s spiritual teaching, spirituality… in a nutshell.
   And then there’s coaching! Which is something completely different! And yes I know because I’ve also been there and done that (see for example my book The Road to Power – Fast Food for the Soul). Coaching is about achieving your transient goals in the here and now. And well achieving your transient goals in the here and now – like a better job, a bigger house, more money, better relationships, more mental abilities, and a healthy body – are all well and good as along as you realize that you are going to lose them all in the end! And as long as you don’t get so attached to all these things and identify with them so much that you forget your true nature. Then all is well and good.
   So you might want to remember this important distinction as you wander through the self-empowerment marketplace! It can save you a lot of heartache further down the road.

 

So was it good or bad?

It is truly liberating to realize that there is no connection between an event and your reaction to the event. No connection whatsoever. Most people are so identified with their thoughts that they believe the emotions they experience when something happens means that the emotion is inherent in the event itself. So they think for example that death is sad, illness is terrible, and that divorce is tragic. But death is only death, illness is only illness, and divorce is only divorce. There is no emotion inherent in any of these events. The emotion is something we attach to the event and it arises as a result of our interpretation of the event. This emotion is not inherent in the event but is always the result of our opinion or interpretation of what’s happening.

   In reality, death could turn out to be the greatest adventure of all, illness could be the most transformational experience in our entire life, and – trust me on this one – divorce may be the greatest liberation (at least that was my experience)!

   You can test this for yourself. Take an event and then watch how differently people react to the event. Let’s take the volcanic ash from the Island volcano in April 2010 that caused airports to close down all over Europe for many days. Was this a blessing or a curse? Well from the reports I’ve heard, it all depended on who you are and where you were. In other words, it all depended on your story, on your interpretation of the event and not on the event itself. So for many people it was a hassle because they were stranded for days at airports. But for others, it was a wonderful blessing, an unexpected gift! I personally know of three concrete examples of friends who just loved the volcanic ash. One was the couple from London who was visiting my youngest son and his family in San Francisco. They could not fly back to London after 10 days as planned so they had an extended vacation and the airlines paid! Another was a friend who was on holiday in Egypt – he said he got five extra days at a 5-star hotel and even though his boss wasn’t happy, there was nothing anyone could do about it! And the third was a woman I know who lives in Oregon who was visiting her dying sister in Uppsala, Sweden – and since she couldn’t fly home she got to be with her beloved sister right up to the end. So was it good or bad?

 

 

 

She got my book from an unknown sender in the US!

I get emails from readers around the world... but the one I got today is just so amazing that I have to share it with you...

"Good Morning Barbara and Staff.
My name is Francis, I live in Canberra Australia.
Just recently, 4-5 weeks ago I received a used copy of your book "Fast Food for the Soul" in the mail from an unknown sender in the United States.
I had never heard of you before, even though I have read several books Inc Dr W Dyer, Wallace Wattles and some other well known famous people on the same topic.
I must say that your small and very clear straight to the point is by far the best book I've held with my hands to date.
I was born in a small Southern European Country,I left school just before I turned 10 years old, came to Australia in the mid 70,s with no English in a false Passport.
I am now in my mid 50's and pretty successful in what I do, however it wasn't always like this, your book has so clearly opened up so many other possibilities for me as it makes it so easy and simple to understand.
So many times I've blessed the unknown sender that sent me a copy of your book and above all a real credit to you for putting together.
I will certainly want to get the updated copy as soon as it comes out.
Next year we plan to travel and spend some time in Europe and I will be in contact with your office as I would like to have couple hours consultation with you.
I am so grateful to the person that sent me a copy of your book and to you for writing it.
Many Thanks,
Take Care, God Bless
Francis"

"We hold these truths to be self-evident..."

Today - July 4th - is the anniversary of the day when the founders of the United States wrote in 1776 these amazing words: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”

To this day, this statement is one of the highest and most profound statements ever formulated by mankind.

So it's a statement that is really worth thinking about and meditating on... I say this because the ultimate abuse occurs when someone tries to violate another person’s unalienable right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And this, we all know, is happening all the time, all around the world. Just turn on the TV and you see it happening. It’s going on all the time on the world stage.
   But this abuse is not just happening on the world stage, it’s also happening up close to us – in the lives of people who are around us. And it can be pretty shocking when you start to notice that it’s not just out there but that it’s also in here.
    Since I do private sessions with people almost every day, I get to hear about this happening all the time, right here in peaceful little Denmark. Almost everyone who comes to me for private sessions has experienced this type of abuse and is today suffering from the effects of this. They are suffering from and struggling with the reality that someone close to them has tried to violate their unalienable right to their own life, and to liberty (which is the freedom to do what they want – and experience the consequences) and to pursue happiness in whatever way they deem best (and again to experience the consequences).  I hear this often from my clients. And it’s heartbreaking…
   I hear stories of husbands who are trying to violate their wives’ right to live their own lives as they deem fit and who justify this violation by repeating the old patriarch call to duty for women saying “It’s your job to make me happy”… “You have a duty to the children”… “You have to think about the family,”… “I know what’s best for you”… etc. etc. It’s sickening to hear and because these women are not clear about the fact that they have certain unalienable rights and that among these are the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness – it’s easy for their husbands to manipulate them.
   I also hear stories of parents who are trying to manipulate their adult children in this way and I hear it from adults who have been manipulated in this way by their parents. It is as if these children (whether they are young or old) only exist to make the parents happy and to satisfy the needs of the parents. It’s as if children from these confused and dysfunctional families are brought up to believe that they don’t have the right to their own lives. And so they feel they don’t have the right to pursue life, liberty and happiness in whatever way they see fit (and again experience the consequences of their choices). And when they finally try to strike out on their own, they often feel terrible guilt because they were taught from an early age that their lives belong to another.
   And this is the ultimate abuse – to hear from the adult caretaker(s) in your life that you don’t have the right to your own life – that you don’t have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness in whatever way you see fit. When this happens, it is the ultimate violation of a person’s basic human rights as a free individual.
   This of course does not mean that parents are not responsible for guiding and protecting their children when they are small, but as children grow into adulthood, it is no longer the parent’s job to determine what’s best for their children’s future. Because how can they know? How can one person possibly know what is best for another? Especially when we take into consideration that all men and women are created equal and that we are all endowed by our Creator with the same unalienable rights and that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
   So the violation of human rights is not just something that is happening out there on the world stage… it’s also something that is happening right here where we are. And I doubt very much that we can fix out there until we fix in here. Out there is just a reflection of in here…
   That’s why I believe the wise words of the American founders are definitely worth thinking about and meditating upon…
 “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”
   The men who wrote this statement truly saw into the core of the human condition. They understood the cry for freedom that is in every person’s heart. They knew that each and every one of us is longing for freedom and for the right to pursue happiness in whatever way we see fit.