Barbara's Blog

Staying at home with yourself

My friend Lone has the greatest concept / meditation.  She calls it "staying at home with yourself". I highly recommend it, especially when you are feeling sad or confused. The way I do it is I usually go to bed and say to myself, "I'm going to stay home with myself" now. And by that I mean, I'm not going to leave myself or let myself down. And I'm going to be there for myself - no matter what. I find this really helps especially if you have been worrying about what other people are saying, thinking or doing. Then it's really nice to come back home to yourself and find out what you're actually thinking and feeling - and start dealing with that.

More about relationships

I got this comment to my last blog which made me think... the comment was: "Interesting post. I think there's a lot of truth in what you are saying, but at the same time it seems slightly biased, as if you want people to not be together. How about all the wonderful things that come out of being in a long-lasting relationship with someone you truly love? The discovery, the self-realization, the sense of commitment and the feeling that now the rest of life can be spent on thinking about ways to improve yourself and your relationship. :-)"  I think this is a very good point so I'd like to clarify... in my last blog I wasn’t talking about relationships which are harmonious and truly wonderful! I was mainly thinking about the people who feel “squeezed” by trying to fit into something that doesn’t work for them.

What kind of relationship do you want?

The famous Danish sexologist Joan Ørting asks this question on her Web site (thanks Joan)! She says technology has advanced so much and everything else is changing at lightening speed - but what about our ideas about relationships? She says monogamy has been the drill for centuries - and that maybe it's time to rethink our ideas about relationships too.

If we're totally honest with ourselves - and don't consider our partners, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives for just a minute - what would we answer? What would you answer? What would you really like? What would your dream relationship look like? Do you really want to live together 24 hours a day? Do you really want to have kids and do the family thing or would you rather see him/her twice a week for some good sex, good food, good fun and then get on with your life? Or maybe you'd like to see him/her more than twice a week but still be on your own a bit more than you are? How would that work? And how about living together/apart as it's called? Sharing your life with someone but not living together? Or what about Joan's solution - she lives with her husband but each of them has their own bedroom and then a bedroom where they can meet! Creative, right!  Or what about having kids and still not living together? How would that work? Or maybe you'd like to be with more than one person or house share with a group of people? When you start to think out of the monogamy box and drop some of your "shoulds", it's interesting to see what comes up... especially if you dare be honest with yourself. (It's still OK to be honest with yourself - at least in the privacy of your own mind!) 

Me forgive me?

What about forgiving ourselves? Did you ever think about that? I discovered it's a rather revolutionary and mind-boggling concept - to forgive ourselves. I mean what does that even mean? And how do we do it? First of all I guess it means looking at all the things we blame ourselves for. Because when you start to think about it, you might discover that you blame yourself for so much. At least I do - the list is endless - not good enough, not wise enough, not loving enough, not beautiful enough, not strong enough, not sexy enough, not understanding enough, not successful enough, not helpful enough, not spiritual enough, not happy enough, not thin enough... oh my oh my... And then when other people criticize us or blame us - and we accept it - what is that? Is it just our inner critic showing up on the outside, right in our faces so we can't miss it?

And how would it look if we really did forgive ourselves? How would we treat ourselves if we really believed we were totally innocent and lovable and truly lovely? What would you do? How would you act? How would you treat yourself?  Would you hold your hand if you had a cold and go to bed with a good book instead of beating yourself up for all the things you feel you "should" be doing?  Would you comfort yourself like a loving mother or father and say to yourself, "everything's ok sweetheart, just relax, everything is supporting you, including me!" Would you stay with you and really see the goodness in you? Would you be there for you in ways you never imagined before? Would you stand up for you? You might want to try playing with these ideas. I discovered it's really interesting and a lot of fun. In fact it feels like homecoming...

Did You Ever Ask You?

We're so bombarded with information and everybody's so-called expectations to us - no wonder we're all running around half crazy! But did you ever ask you? Did you ever try going inside and finding out what you really think? Without thinking about what other people want you to think or feel?

I found out - to my utter amazement and joy - that asking me is the most amazing experience. When I ask me, it gives me instant peace! It's just amazing. When I just take a moment and go inside and drop all thoughts of what other people might think, expect and want and just ask myself "what do you think and feel Barbara?", the answer is always there... always. Although at first, if you're not used to doing this, it might take some listening before you can hear your own voice of wisdom clearly.  But I guarantee you it's there. Why not give it a try and give yourself the chance to listen to you? (Since you're probably listening to everyone else anyway!)

Whose fault is it?

Does your boyfriend, mother, father, daughter say it's your fault? And do you believe them? I know I did. For ages and ages. I beat myself up because I believed it when my parents said it was my fault! They told me it was my fault that they were suffering - and I bought it. They said I caused them a lot of pain by not doing what they wanted me to do! And I believed them. I internalized their criticism and made it my own. You see I ran away from home in the 60s with my boyfriend who got drafted to go to Vietnam because  we believed the Vietnam War was a crime against humanity and my parents said that caused them a lot of pain! So I did what I did and felt guilty about it because I believed their story that I was the cause of their pain. And it took me practically my whole life to find out that I wasn't the cause of their pain - their story was. I did what I did because I believed the Vietnam War was wrong. It's as simple as that. They could have just as well jumped up and down and clapped their hands and said "Hurrah, our daughter is brilliant - she's against the war in Vietnam - we're so proud of her!" So I finally found out it's not my fault! It's their fault - or it's nobody's fault - because we are all so ignorant...

10 Ways to Live a Happy Life

It all started one afternoon when I was lying on my sofa thinking about the wild and crazy life I've lived and I asked myself - what have I learned? And what should I remember if I want to live the rest of my life more happily. So I started writing this list - a list of the things I wanted to remember to live a happy life from now on. It was kind of like a reminder to myself. I didn't realize I was writing a book - but that's what happened. The information just came pouring in. And that was the start of my new book "Are You Happy Now? 10 Ways to Live a Happy Life." To see the list of the 10 Ways, see our Web site - www.beamteam.com

Love that you love this stuff!