Barbara's Blog

The difference between "doing" and "being"

Are you a “doer” or a “be-er”? A human doing or a human being? It’s an interesting question isn’t it? We’re all so caught up in doing stuff. It’s like we’ve been programmed from day one that we’ve got to do stuff all the time. Be productive. Learn. Perform. Work. Achieve. Be effective. Make money. Be a success. And of course, the nature of life is activity but not just activity – the nature of life is also activity and rest.

When do we ever have time to just “be”? It’s like the “being” part got left out of our agenda. We didn’t learn the joys of “being”. Nobody taught us that we have the right to just “be”. Nobody said, hey look at how much fun this is – to just “be”. To just allow yourself to be here now. Nobody told us, nobody showed us. To just be. Nobody taught us this in school. Nobody turned off the TV and said “hey kiddo, it’s time to BE.”

“Being” is like a lost art. A lost secret almost…

But take it from me (if you don’t already know it), that “being” is the BEST. Simply the best. When you give up the idea (at least for a while) of having to do anything or achieve anything. When you just sit. When you are just you. When you just let yourself breathe and take in the joy of this moment without having to go anywhere or do anything.

If you haven’t allowed yourself the luxury, the pleasure, the perfect peace of “being”, please don’t’ waste another moment on the “doing”- give “being” a try!

How about this: The “doing” is the waste of time – not the “being”. There you go – we got everything backwards (as usual)!

Do you notice the difference?

Do you ever stop to notice the difference between your story and reality?

What do I mean by this?  I mean do you really stop and take the time to look at what is happening right in front of you? Instead of just guessing...

Ok let's say you are telling me that "so and so" happened. But look closely. Did this really happen? Are you sure? Was this what was really going on? Let's say you went somewhere and met someone and this someone did something and said something. And you think that this means whatever you are now saying it means... but can you really know that this is true? Or are you just assuming that you know what this person meant? Did you get inside the other person's head? Did you ask the other person most specifically what he or she meant or are you just assuming? Just guessing?

I have discovered that this is a really important distinction. We assume so much. We make so many guesses. And it gives us so much anguish. How much anguish are you giving yourself by assuming all sorts of things about people and events? Do you really know what's going on? Can you really ever get inside someone else's head and know FOR SURE what he or she is thinking?? Do you really know what the other person means or are you just guessing? It's worth thinking about.

What would your life be like if you didn't assume so much? Did you ever think about that? How would it be if you just went into situations clear and free and really really looked at what's going on in front of you instead of getting lost in your assumptions  and your stories about people and situations...  I guess this is what being in the present moment is really all about - dropping our stories and assumptions and noticing reality - noticing what is right in front of our eyes. It can be quite a trip - if we just notice.

Did anyone ever say to you...

When you were in crisis or going through a deep change, did anyone ever stand there and look you deep in the eye and say: “Look sister, I know you have the intelligence, the sensitivity, the wisdom, the tools and the where with all to get through this.” Did anyone ever say that to you – when you really needed to hear it? Did anyone ever say: “You know sister, I am confident that you are going to see what you’re supposed to see and learn what you’re supposed to learn.” Did anyone? Did someone say to you: “I know you can do it, I know you can embrace it, feel it, live it…? And I’m here for you if you need someone to talk to and lean on when the going gets tough.”

Well probably not. At least that’s my experience. If that’s your experience too, it might be because even the closest person in the world to you right now doesn’t know how to handle you being in crisis, doesn’t have the tools or the confidence to deal with deep change. It also could be that your fear and anxiety and uncertainty awaken the same fear, anxiety and uncertainty in the other person – so it upsets them and they can’t be there for you.

So I want to say 2 things: First, I have faith in you! Why? Because if you are reading my blog, it means you have the tools and the intelligence and the will to get through deep change and crisis. You wouldn’t be here right now reading this if this wasn’t true. You’d be watching TV or out shopping. It also means you are probably starting to understand that crisis (no matter how scary) is good because it’s giving you the opportunity to look at all the things (or some of the things) that are holding you back from living your life fully and freely and to the maximum.

The other thing I want to say is that if nobody out there ever had faith in you – it’s about time YOU HAVE FAITH IN YOU! I want to say to you – you can do it for yourself. You can faith in you. You can have the faith, the trust, the strength and the courage to be there for you and to know that the ultimate Goodness (God Himself) is on your side! This is your most important job. Being there for YOU…!

It takes courage

It takes courage to go against the grain. Yes Johannes and everyone else who is at a crossroads where going the road less travelled seems frightening, dangerous and lonely. I know. I've been there. And it takes courage. It takes courage to walk your own path - especially when the people you love and who you want so desperately to love you probably can't, won't and don't understand. It takes courage and where will you find it? Where do any of us find it? Well for lots of us, the anguish of not following our hearts is so great that we are literally forced by our inner selves to walk that path - to take that great leap of faith into the unknown. But the thing is friends, we're all leaping right into the heart of God. Into the heart of Goodness. Into the heart of our very own Goodness. It's so amazing once you've jumped. And who cares if we die anyway! My suggestion for today - LEAP!

Do you trust you?

Who do you trust? Is it someone else? Someone close to you? Like your mother or your boyfriend or your wife... is that who you trust? Someone who you believe (or at least hope) will come through for you if and when the chips are down... And of course it's nice (and great) that we all have people in our lives who we believe we can trust.... BUT... what about trusting you? Do you trust yourself? Do you trust that you will be there for you when it's important? I know this might sound strange if you never thought about it like this before, but I've been discovering that trusting ourselves is even more important than trusting other people.

If you have a lot of anxiety (like I have often had) - I think it's a good idea to consider who you trust. And ask yourself if you really trust yourself. Do you trust yourself to take care of you? Do you trust yourself to protect and support you? Do you trust yourself to understand you? Do you trust yourself to set limits and make a safe space around you? In short, do you trust yourself to do what's right for you - and take good care of you? And what about trusting yourself to meet all your feelings - including the disturbing ones - with gentle understanding.... can you trust yourself to do that? This is a really good thing to meditate on. Just sit quietly and ask yourself these questions and allow the answers to surface... to come to you from your very own heart. It might surprise you...

Afraid of anger

Are you afraid of expressing your anger? Afraid of letting other people know when things are not OK with you? Afraid of setting limits? Well if you are, welcome to the club! Even though I've lived a long and eventful life, I am just now learning that expressing anger is a really big problem for me. Somehow I got the idea that if I was "spiritual", I always had to be "loving and kind". And "loving and kind" somehow got translated in my brain to mean not expressing anger. And since I never was good at expressing my anger, it turned out that I wasn't very good at setting limits and taking care of myself. So life - oh the kindness of life - is teaching me, even though it sometimes feels like I am learning the hard way!

So I am discovering that expressing anger is not the same as criticizing someone or telling them that they are a stupid bastard. Expressing anger can be a very positive thing to do when it means taking care of yourself or setting limits... As far as I can see now, it means saying things like... "I can understand that you might feel this way... and the answer is NO." It means saying no without feeling guilty. It means setting limits without invading another person's right to feel and do whatever they are feeling and doing - but without letting them invade your territory. I am also finding out that this also means looking into yourself and truly finding out who you are and what is really OK with you... it's a lifelong process I can see... but a truly worthwhile one. Especially when you start to realize that not setting limits and expressing when things are not OK with you leads to terrible anxiety.