She thought she was going to die - Carola's story

My friend from Holland Carola (age 36, a nurse) wrote this to me:

“I will tell you about one of my life lessons I learned the last few years.

After I fell ill (sarcoidosis) in 2003 I first felt very blessed and guided by God. But the longer it took the more restless and angry I got. The first year of my illness, I was not able to do many things because my lungs were very bad and I had inflammations throughout my body that made me sick and tired. I also took the medicine Prednison (that did not help) and my head and the trunk of my body grew and grew like a balloon. In 2005 the doctors let me quit the Prednison and I became thinner. During that time they discovered that my liver was much too big and my blood indicated that there was something very wrong. I kept saying that it was the sacoidosis but the doctors didn't believe me. After a few months I got worried too and was afraid because I had symptoms of liver cirrhosis, I had spider naevi on my arms and chest. And all the doctors always looked very worried. Then in February 2007 I was told that I had liver cirrhosis and that the only thing that would help me was a new liver. I still remember the face and the words of that student doctor.  I decided that I don't want a new liver because IF they could find one and IF it would match, I still wouldn't grow old because a donor organ only lasts for +/-10 years and for me that would be 10 years with all the medication and still I would have sarcoidosis in my body. So, that was it. I would not live very long anymore.

And then the strangest thing happened. It started with a piece from the Bible my mom gave me, it said something like; "don't believe the words of people but only my words". That made me strong (I am not a big Bible reader but I do believe in God). And in the days and weeks that followed I was so happy and relieved because all my 'Í should, I have to, I musts' went away. Because of my situation, I didn't have to worry anymore about finances, about finding a man, finding a new house (I don't like my house), about trying to work but not being able to because of my illness. I didn’t have to worry about going on a diet and not having a car although I want one, etc. etc. (The only thing I worried about was finding a good home for my cat!!). I had always lived my life feeling so bad about myself, feeling not worthy, feeling fat, feeling stupid because I couldn’t find a man etc. AND IT ALL STOPPED!!! And because I didn't have to worry anymore I started to enjoy my life, the little things, like drinking coffee, listening to the birds, being quiet, and I started to buy flowers for myself and cooking nice meals. I felt so peaceful!!! Then, at the end of March I asked for a real doctor (not a student doctor) because if I really was that ill I would not trust a student doctor so they 'gave' me the professor and he looked at all my tests and talked to my other doctor's and concluded that I did not have liver cirrhosis........................ and that I could grow old. My liver is in a bad shape but it will not kill me.

Of course I was very happy to hear this, but during the following days I felt sort of disappointed. And my worries game back! Now I had to find a house, a job, a man....... During the time when I thought I was going to die, I was happy and free from the 'I have to' and I 'shoulds'!! And that made me see that we have to live life like it is our last day. And live NOW.

That period made me realize that I had to change my thinking and so I started looking for books, etc. And then, one day I found your book Fast Food for the Soul and my life started to change!!!!!!! But that's another story!!!!!!!

Big hug,

Carola”

Comments

[Tim Ray]

Dear dear Carola,

That is the most moving and inspiring story I have heard in a long time – fantastic! Talk about seeing the Good where the trouble seems to be. Talk about the blessing of illness – wow! You are my hero.

Love, Tim