Barbara's Blog

A mother's day greeting from India...

A dear reader from India wrote this to me about Mother's Day and it moved me to tears. He wrote: "Belated Happy Mother's Day! I know that I am 2 days late to wish you a Happy Mother's Day but in this message I am going to express my views on the Mother's Day.... A friend of mine asked me about what values of life have you learned from your mother that have been helping you to live a better life as... you say that your mom is best! While dwelling over it I realized that nobody told us how to take care of our thinking. Nobody told us how to deal with our thoughts. Nobody told us how to solve the inner work. Nobody told us the true meaning of happiness and life which in fact are the utmost values of life to be learned and I realize that it's only few awakening souls who have told me and are telling me how to fly happily through the life. In my life, it's only you who have given me the greatest gift. It's only you who showed me the way and doubtlessly I feel that you have fulfilled the term" MOTHER '' IN MY life and all your teachings are making the real difference in my life... But with no doubts I truly love my mother for all her support as nothing would have been possible if she was not there..."
And I can only reply that most certainly dear one, our biological mothers did not teach us these things because they did not know about these things themselves otherwise they most surely would have …

My husband shouldn't be seeing another woman

A woman came to me and said she was upset because her husband was seeing another woman. He met her on a business trip and now he was spending time with her. So what’s the problem I asked? She replied, “My husband shouldn’t be with other women.” Oh I said and then asked… “Well is it true? Is it true that your husband shouldn’t be seeing another woman? What’s the reality? Is he?” And she said, “Yes the reality is he is seeing another woman and that’s really upsetting.” And I said, “I see,” and then I asked her “Why is this upsetting?” And she replied, “Because I want to be married to someone who doesn’t look at or flirt with other women.” OK I said, “Well okay that’s fair enough. What I hear you saying is that you only want to be married to someone who only looks at you and only desires you and only sleeps with you. That is your preference. And that’s fair enough.” And then I said to her, “but what’s the reality? According to you, you’re not. According to you, you’re married to a man who looks at, desires and perhaps is even sleeping with another woman. And since I know it’s impossible to change other people, I can only conclude you must be married to the wrong man!”
   This little story illustrates the dilemma so many of us face in our relationships – we want other people to change to make us happy. And the problem here is it never works. The reason being – it’s impossible to change other people. The only one who can ever change another person is that person himself or herself. So when we want other people to change to make us happy, we always end up feeling miserable. Because we’re trying to do the impossible – and also because we’re basing our happiness on other people’s behavior, which is always a bad idea because it means we’re giving our power away and making ourselves victims of outer circumstances.
   When we understand this, it doesn’t mean we can’t have our preferences. It doesn’t mean you can’t prefer to be in a relationship with a partner who is only interested in you. But if you are in a relationship where this isn’t the case, trying to change the other person to fit what you want to make you happy is like trying to control the wind. It’s impossible. (And again this is not so much a question of right and wrong but a question of seeing reality and understanding what you can change and what you can’t.)
   In general, the whole idea of “making” another person do something or love you is ridiculous to begin with because it’s just not possible. People do what they do and love who they love. And it’s always been like that and it’s always going to be like that and there’s nothing you can do about it. And if you really think about it, the whole idea of “forcing” someone to love you… well that sure doesn’t sound like love does it!
   Which only leaves you with YOU… which is good news. So how about working on being the love you are seeking out there (from him and from everyone else) and then see what happens?

 

Meet the family this Christmas and keep your peace of mind

Sitting with clients every day has made me realize that so many people are feeling a bit uneasy at the moment because they are beginning to think about spending Christmas with their families. If this sounds like you, the information in this article will help you understand what’s going on and how to deal with your issues more sanely and constructively.

Many people dread family get-togethers even if they really do love each other. We see this happening often – maybe you’ve even had this experience yourself and wonder why it’s so difficult. You really do love these people after all. The discomfort of meeting family is usually most obvious around Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving and any other holiday where families traditionally meet. And this discomfort arises for adults who are meeting their parents (no matter how old the parents are) and for parents who are meeting their grown-up children (no matter how old the children are).

This discomfort arises for many reasons. It can help to examine some of the reasons why this happens because just understanding why this happens can give more peace of mind.

So let’s step back for a moment and remind ourselves of the basic mechanisms of mind. First of all it’s good to remember that each individual lives in his/her own mental universe. This is a universal law. This also means there is no common experience which everyone in the family is having at the same time.  What one person experiences has nothing to do with what the other person or people experience. What I experience has nothing to do with what you experience.  One person can think everything is just wonderful and be having a good time while the next person can be having quite a different experience.  So remember, just because you think things went well, it doesn’t mean everyone else shares your experience. And vice versus, just because you feel unhappy or freaked out of your mind, it doesn’t mean everyone else felt the same way. This is because we can only experience our own thoughts, stories and interpretation of events. So there is no one common “family” experience but as many different experiences as there are people present. And we don’t (we can’t) experience what the other people are thinking or their stories about what’s going on – we can only experience our own stuff. 

When you understand this, you can also see that since each person is living and experiencing his/her own mental universe, this must include his or her dysfunctional beliefs, thoughts and stories (programming) and the dysfunctional behavior that arises as a result of these dysfunctional beliefs and stories.  And because of this, it is also easy to see and understand that when the family gets together, it triggers each member’s individual issues – whatever they are! This is getting real about family get-togethers. This is waking up to the reality that people have a wide range of issues stemming from their family background and growing up years – and that family get-togethers are a great trigger for these issues. Hence the discomfort – your discomfort, his discomfort, her discomfort, yes everyone’s discomfort! 

The reality is: Most families are more or less dysfunctional – there’s no shame in this.
It’s just the way things are…

The reality is: Most people are more or less confused – and there’s no shame in this either.
It’s just the way things are…

So if all this is true, what can we do about it?

Well here are some good things to remind yourself of before you meet the family!

1) It’s not your job to fix it
You are not responsible for what the other people in your family are feeling and experiencing. Remind yourself that everyone is feeling and experiencing what they are feeling and experiencing because of their own individual thoughts and beliefs. Their happiness or unhappiness is a result of their interpretation of what is going on. You can’t change this. You can’t prevent this from happening. This is universal law – an impersonal mechanism.

Family meetings trigger each member’s issues. And again, you can’t prevent this from happening and you can’t change this. Nor are you to blame for this happening. Again this is an impersonal mechanism.

It’s not your job to fix this or fix the other people in your family. And the reality is – you can’t. Your job is to take care of you – and to realize that your own experience is your own. You are responsible for taking care of yourself in this situation – you are not responsible for taking care of the other people. (And this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t treat everyone with respect). What it does mean is that you are not responsible for the other people’s happiness. (And again, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be kind, considerate, polite, and loving. Nor does this mean you shouldn’t learn to communicate clearly and set limits as to what is ok for you and what is not.)

2) Mind your own business
If other people have problems or issues when the family gets together, then it’s their job to figure out how to deal with their problems. He or she can go to therapy, read books, go to a 12-step program or do whatever it takes to deal with their issues. It’s not your job. Your job is to deal with your own issues.  It can be a great help to remember that you can’t know what’s good or bad in the long run for anyone in your family. What may seem like a crisis or a source of great discomfort to someone at the moment may in fact be the start of a great awakening for this person.

And this doesn’t mean you can’t say what you think. You can.

You can do what you like. Always. (And yes, all our words and actions have consequences – but this doesn’t mean you can’t do what you like. You can. You always can.)

3) It’s not so black and white
Remember you can all probably have a good time together even if there is some discomfort. It’s good to remember that things are usually not so black and white. Even if there is some discomfort, there will probably be some good moments too. The reality is that your feelings and experience change and so does everyone else’s, so most family get-togethers are a mixture. And yes, it is possible to live with unresolved problems and issues. (Again, this is reality. We’re all living with unresolved problems and issues!)

You don’t have to agree about everything. You can disagree on things and still have a good time. Agreement and love are two different things. You can love someone and disagree on lots of stuff. Again, look at the reality. Do you agree with everything the people you love think or say?

You probably love each other – even if you’re mad as hell. That’s just the way it is.

4) Be good to you
Be extra kind to yourself when being with your family triggers the feelings of your wounded inner child. If you feel bad, know that this is okay. And when this happens (and it probably will), remember it’s your job to be your own loving parent and take good care of yourself. It helps to realize that none of these other people (no matter how good their intentions or how much they love you) can do this for you. This is your job. And with a little practice, you can do this.

I know this might sound hard, but it also helps to realize that even though you really love these people, you don’t need them to live a happy life. Getting together will probably work better for you if you’re not so desperate about wanting things to work out well.  (And this doesn’t mean that this is not your preference).

And finally if meeting the family is problematic for you, it also helps to realize that meeting the family will probably continue to be problematic for you – maybe for the rest of your life. But that if you are willing to do some inner work and then keep the basic principles outlined above in mind when you meet the family, things will probably be a little easier for you each time you meet. And if not, well remember, you can survive without your family.

5) When it’s best to stay away
There are also cases when it’s simply best to stay away from your family. If one or both of your parents or any other member of your family is abusive in any way, it’s your job to take care of you. And this means in situations like this, it’s probably best to stay away. This may also be the case if one of your parents or another family member is an alcoholic, a drug addict or dangerous (violent) in any way. Unfortunately, this is the reality in some highly dysfunctional families – even if the various family members maintain that everything is okay. All this means is that they’re in denial!  But just because they’re in denial, it doesn’t mean you have to be. So regardless of what they say and whether or not your family understands – if you feel abused, violated, unsafe, or shamed – stay away!

I also highly recommend that if you come from this kind of background, you go to a 12-step program to get a little clarity about your situation. 12-step programs, such as ACA or Al-Anon, are extremely healing and liberating for people from dysfunctional families. Becoming a member and going to meetings regularly can help you understand your experience and why you feel like you do. When you begin to understand the mechanisms of dysfunctional families, you will better understand your wounds, insecurities and why you have such difficulty dealing with your family. And then, as you begin to gain a little clarity about your past, the programs can help you better understand that each and every one of us has a right to our own reality and that it’s each individual person’s job learn to take care of themselves in relation to their dysfunctional families. And yes, this is something you can learn and do!”

Love,
Barbara

Coaching or spirituality?

There seems to be a lot of confusion out there when it comes to what coaching is about and what spirituality is about. And fortunately for us, reality will clear up this matter for each of us – sooner or later.  
   Let’s look at spiritual teaching first.
   The reality is that everything in the physical world is impermanent and will sooner or later be taken from us. Everything. Our jobs, our houses, our money, our minds, our loved ones, our bodies. Everything. That’s the nature of reality as far as physical bodies are concerned. And in this respect, Life/Reality/God or whatever you want to call the life force is perfectly equal and clear. It happens for all of us. No one can avoid this. So sooner or later we all have the privilege and opportunity to face these truths and look deeply into this reality.
   And when you start to look more deeply into reality you discover that the more you are attached to things – to jobs, houses, money, our minds, our loved ones, our bodies – the more you are going to suffer when you have to let go of them. And that’s pretty much what all the great spiritual teachers have been teaching us. They have been teaching us to look beyond the changing material world to the eternal verities if we truly want to find peace of mind. So that’s spiritual teaching, spirituality… in a nutshell.
   And then there’s coaching! Which is something completely different! And yes I know because I’ve also been there and done that (see for example my book The Road to Power – Fast Food for the Soul). Coaching is about achieving your transient goals in the here and now. And well achieving your transient goals in the here and now – like a better job, a bigger house, more money, better relationships, more mental abilities, and a healthy body – are all well and good as along as you realize that you are going to lose them all in the end! And as long as you don’t get so attached to all these things and identify with them so much that you forget your true nature. Then all is well and good.
   So you might want to remember this important distinction as you wander through the self-empowerment marketplace! It can save you a lot of heartache further down the road.

 

"We hold these truths to be self-evident..."

Today - July 4th - is the anniversary of the day when the founders of the United States wrote in 1776 these amazing words: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”

To this day, this statement is one of the highest and most profound statements ever formulated by mankind.

So it's a statement that is really worth thinking about and meditating on... I say this because the ultimate abuse occurs when someone tries to violate another person’s unalienable right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And this, we all know, is happening all the time, all around the world. Just turn on the TV and you see it happening. It’s going on all the time on the world stage.
   But this abuse is not just happening on the world stage, it’s also happening up close to us – in the lives of people who are around us. And it can be pretty shocking when you start to notice that it’s not just out there but that it’s also in here.
    Since I do private sessions with people almost every day, I get to hear about this happening all the time, right here in peaceful little Denmark. Almost everyone who comes to me for private sessions has experienced this type of abuse and is today suffering from the effects of this. They are suffering from and struggling with the reality that someone close to them has tried to violate their unalienable right to their own life, and to liberty (which is the freedom to do what they want – and experience the consequences) and to pursue happiness in whatever way they deem best (and again to experience the consequences).  I hear this often from my clients. And it’s heartbreaking…
   I hear stories of husbands who are trying to violate their wives’ right to live their own lives as they deem fit and who justify this violation by repeating the old patriarch call to duty for women saying “It’s your job to make me happy”… “You have a duty to the children”… “You have to think about the family,”… “I know what’s best for you”… etc. etc. It’s sickening to hear and because these women are not clear about the fact that they have certain unalienable rights and that among these are the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness – it’s easy for their husbands to manipulate them.
   I also hear stories of parents who are trying to manipulate their adult children in this way and I hear it from adults who have been manipulated in this way by their parents. It is as if these children (whether they are young or old) only exist to make the parents happy and to satisfy the needs of the parents. It’s as if children from these confused and dysfunctional families are brought up to believe that they don’t have the right to their own lives. And so they feel they don’t have the right to pursue life, liberty and happiness in whatever way they see fit (and again experience the consequences of their choices). And when they finally try to strike out on their own, they often feel terrible guilt because they were taught from an early age that their lives belong to another.
   And this is the ultimate abuse – to hear from the adult caretaker(s) in your life that you don’t have the right to your own life – that you don’t have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness in whatever way you see fit. When this happens, it is the ultimate violation of a person’s basic human rights as a free individual.
   This of course does not mean that parents are not responsible for guiding and protecting their children when they are small, but as children grow into adulthood, it is no longer the parent’s job to determine what’s best for their children’s future. Because how can they know? How can one person possibly know what is best for another? Especially when we take into consideration that all men and women are created equal and that we are all endowed by our Creator with the same unalienable rights and that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
   So the violation of human rights is not just something that is happening out there on the world stage… it’s also something that is happening right here where we are. And I doubt very much that we can fix out there until we fix in here. Out there is just a reflection of in here…
   That’s why I believe the wise words of the American founders are definitely worth thinking about and meditating upon…
 “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”
   The men who wrote this statement truly saw into the core of the human condition. They understood the cry for freedom that is in every person’s heart. They knew that each and every one of us is longing for freedom and for the right to pursue happiness in whatever way we see fit.

Tim's Dating Guide for the Awakening Human Being

Recently my son Tim Ray wrote this article for the Danish lifestyle magazine “Liv og Sjæl” about how we, as awakening human beings, can tackle the challenge of meeting and dating in a more conscious fashion. Interesting food for thought... Enjoy!
 
”Dating Guide for the Awakening Human Being – by Tim Ray

One of the characteristics of a healthy, harmonious relationship is that the partners are a good match. And by a good match I don’t necessarily mean they match each other in appearance or in the outer. People can differ externally – age, appearance, job, career, financial situation, personality type, etc. – and still be a good match. People are a good match when inner circumstances match – and by that I mean when their level of consciousness and their values, intention, and lifestyle match. If there is a good match between your level of consciousness and another person’s, then the chances of you being a “good match” are greater.

So if your focus is on becoming a more conscious and awake human being and if you are looking for a partner who is also striving to become more conscious, how do you determine if someone is a good match for you in terms of their level of consciousness?

Here are some of the things an “awakening” human being might want to consider and be aware of when he or she is dating:
- What is this person’s level of consciousness? Is the person awake and conscious or is she/he confused and unconscious? Does this person believe everything he/she thinks or is this person able to question his/her thinking?
- What is the basic energy of this person? How does it feel? Is there… fear, anxiety, insecurity? Is there desire and a longing for outer, material things, status, money, etc? Does the person radiate anger, irritation, or frustration? Does the person have the “it’s their fault” attitude or vibration? Does the person have a lot of pride and a closed mind and radiate the feeling that he or she knows all the answers? Or is the person open, flexible and willing to consider things from new perspectives? Does the person’s energy seem optimistic and positive? Does the person seem to have common sense and the ability to think clearly? Does his/her energy feel loving and spacious? Is there a feeling of respect for him/herself and others? And what about a feeling of peace? Ecstasy? In other words, what is the person’s vibrational quality?
- What are the person’s values and goals in life? Do he/she value outer achievements like money, material things, status, and fame? Or does the person value inner qualities such as being conscious, understanding and feeling love and compassion? And if the person says their focus is on inner qualities – is there harmony between the person’s stated values and his/her behavior, way of speaking, lifestyle?
- Does the person take responsibility for their life or is this person trying to get someone else to save them?
- Does the person feel comfortable with who they are and rest in themselves? Can he or she be alone and feel good? Or is this someone who needs to fill up their time with outer activities, people and experiences to feel okay?
- Is he/she desperate to find a partner?
- Is she/he realistic when it comes to what a relationship can actually do and not do for a person?
- Does he/she have healthy boundaries? Or does the person have too few boundaries (for example being willing to have sex too quickly?). Or too many boundaries (for example not being honest and showing who they are.)
- Does he/she have a lot of unresolved pain from a previous relationship which they haven’t worked through yet (newly divorced or just out of a long relationship)?
- Does she/he have any unhealthy addictions such as alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, coffee, flirting and sex?
- What happens when you disagree about something – does this person treat you and the way you see things with respect?
- If you tell the person something intimate or talk about your problems, does he/she listen with respect and compassion?
- If you share some of the things you see/feel about the person with him or her, is the person able to listen to what you’re saying in a sane and sensible manner? Or does he/she immediately become aggressive and/or defensive?
- Is he/she overly responsible and trying to fix others (including you)? Or is this person able to mind his/her own business and let other people take care of their business?
- Is she/he abusive? Does the person violate your boundaries? Or does this person allow him/herself to be violated?
- Is the person awake? Aware? Conscious? And if not, is waking up and becoming more conscious a primary goal in his or her life?
- And finally… if you are a good match, in terms of your level of consciousness – what are his/her preferences when it comes to having a relationship? For example, how much time does this person want to spend with you? Does this match what you want? And how does the person want to spend this time? And again does this match your desires and preferences?

The more awake you are, the better your dating experience will be!
When you read this, you might be thinking, “but how can I realistically assess something like this?”

Part of the answer is obviously the more conscious and aware you are yourself, the easier it will be for you to see and understand other people. In other words, if you understand yourself and your own thinking, feelings and behavior, it’s a lot easier to judge what’s going on with someone else.

And the opposite is also true – if you’re not especially conscious and are very identified with your own thoughts, stories and beliefs and feel needy and insecure, it will be more difficult for you to assess another person’s level of consciousness accurately.

Which brings us to the most important thing of all when it comes to dating – namely – the best thing you can do to have a good dating experience and a good relationship in the future is to become a more conscious person yourself!

Know thyself first
So look at the above checklist and now ask yourself the same questions again – but this time, ask them about yourself. How do you rate? By doing this, you can get an idea of your own level of consciousness in terms of the areas mentioned above.

And yes, it’s an interesting exercise.

If you find areas where you can see that you are not especially conscious and have problems – well then you know where you need to do more inner work so that you can become more awake yourself.

So in this way, dating can be more than just fun – it can be a great way to stimulate your own inner growth!

Healthy dating takes time
When you look at the above checklist, you can also add other points that you think are important for a conscious/awake person to consider when meeting another person. The other thing you will discover is that obviously it will take some time before you can realistically evaluate how conscious another human being is! (Or how awake you are for that matter!). And then assess whether or not you would be a good match.

And this brings us to another important aspect of dating for the awakening human being – it’s important to precede slowly and not just jump into bed right away. Because only by taking your time can you realistically assess if the two of you are a good match.

How long it takes to realistically assess another person’s level of consciousness depends on your level of consciousness! The more conscious you are, the less time it will take for you to correctly assess another person’s level of consciousness – and whether or not you are a good match. And if you’re not especially conscious, well then it will take longer for you to make a healthy assessment. And yes this is a bit of a paradox because when you’re not so conscious, you will probably have a tendency to jump into bed with the first lovely body you run into…

So how conscious are we in fact?

When we look at reality, the truth is that most people who are doing consciousness work and are in the process of becoming more awake – are not completely awake and not completely unconscious either. The reality is they’re a mixture of both – sometimes awake and aware – and sometimes pretty unconscious. So of course this is another good reason to take your time when you are dating!

In practice this translates into something like this:

1) No physical contact, kissing, sex, etc. for the first many dates. One of the dangers of having sex right away is that the energy of flirting and the sex can be so powerful that it interferes with your ability to think and judge clearly. And this can make it very difficult for you to assess your own and the other person’s level of consciousness – and ascertain whether you are a good match or not.

So no sex for the first many dates – for example, no sex the first 10 dates or the first couple of months! And even after the first kiss, it’s still a good idea to move forward slowly. So if you start kissing on date number 10, then wait with the sex until date number 20 – that is if you are still seeing each other after so many dates!

Sex is one of the most intimate things two human beings can do together which is why it is very important to make sure you can be intimate on the inner plane first so that you know you are able to treat each other with respect and love on the inner plane.

So remember: First inner intimacy (i.e. getting to know each other really well) and then outer (physical) intimacy.

2) Get to know each other slowly. Don’t meet at your place or the other person’s place on the first many dates. Meet somewhere neutral like a café. If you really think you feel good together after just a few meetings, well go out to dinner or go for a walk in the woods or something like that. And then if you still feel good together well then you can go to the next step which is going home to each other. But go slowly!

Another advantage of going slowly is that it will enable you to experience the other person in different situations at different times in their life during the period and learn more about what is going on in this person’s life. And this will enable you to see how she/he is dealing with it. Which can be very revealing. Because it’s not what’s happening in a person’s life that determines how awake a person is, but how a person relates to what’s happening. So if you go slowly, you’ll get more of a chance to see this clearly too.

Happy dating!”
 

The Ultimate Abuse

The founders of the United States of America wrote these words in their Declaration of Independence in 1776. And to this day, this statement is one of the highest and most profound statements ever formulated by mankind. I suggest you consider it carefully. They wrote:

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”

The ultimate abuse occurs when someone tries to violate another person’s unalienable right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And this, we all know, is happening all the time, all around the world. Just turn on the TV and you see it happening. It’s going on all the time on the world stage.
   But this abuse is not just happening on the world stage, it’s also happening up close to us – in the lives of people who are around us. And it can be pretty shocking when you start to notice that it’s not just out there but that it’s also in here.
    Since I do private sessions with people almost every day, I get to hear about this happening all the time, right here in peaceful little Denmark. Almost everyone who comes to me for private sessions has experienced this type of abuse and is today suffering from the effects of this. They are suffering from and struggling with the reality that someone close to them has tried to violate their unalienable right to their own life, and to liberty (which is the freedom to do what they want – and experience the consequences) and to pursue happiness in whatever way they deem best (and again to experience the consequences).  I hear this often from my clients. And it’s heartbreaking…
   I hear stories of husbands who are trying to violate their wives’ right to live their own lives as they deem fit and who justify this violation by repeating the old patriarch call to duty for women saying “It’s your job to make me happy”… “You have a duty to the children”… “You have to think about the family,”… “I know what’s best for you”… etc. etc. It’s sickening to hear and because these women are not clear about the fact that they have certain unalienable rights and that among these are the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness – it’s easy for their husbands to manipulate them.
   I also hear stories of parents who are trying to manipulate their adult children in this way and I hear it from adults who have been manipulated in this way by their parents. It is as if these children (whether they are young or old) only exist to make the parents happy and to satisfy the needs of the parents. It’s as if children from these confused and dysfunctional families are brought up to believe that they don’t have the right to their own lives. And so they feel they don’t have the right to pursue life, liberty and happiness in whatever way they see fit (and again experience the consequences of their choices). And when they finally try to strike out on their own, they often feel terrible guilt because they were taught from an early age that their lives belong to another.
   And this is the ultimate abuse – to hear from the adult caretaker(s) in your life that you don’t have the right to your own life – that you don’t have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness in whatever way you see fit. When this happens, it is the ultimate violation of a person’s basic human rights as a free individual.
   This of course does not mean that parents are not responsible for guiding and protecting their children when they are small, but as children grow into adulthood, it is no longer the parent’s job to determine what’s best for their children’s future. Because how can they know? How can one person possibly know what is best for another? Especially when we take into consideration that all men and women are created equal and that we are all endowed by our Creator with the same unalienable rights and that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
   So the violation of human rights is not just something that is happening out there on the world stage… it’s also something that is happening right here where we are. And I doubt very much that we can fix out there until we fix in here. Out there is just a reflection of in here…
   That’s why I believe the wise words of the American founders are definitely worth thinking about and meditating upon…
 “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”
   The men who wrote this statement truly saw into the core of the human condition. They understood the cry for freedom that is in every person’s heart. They knew that each and every one of us is longing for freedom and for the right to pursue happiness in whatever way we see fit because this is the human basic drive that is in all of us… this is our basic nature.
   When we violate these rights, we are violating who we truly are.

Who would you be if you didn't know your age?

The Greek women’s fashion magazine L’Officiel – asked me to write an article for their special issue on women and aging.  So I did and I called it...

WHO WOULD YOU BE IF YOU DIDN’T KNOW YOUR AGE?

How old would you be if you didn't know your age?
   It’s an interesting thought isn’t it? Why not test it for yourself.
   How would you feel if you didn’t know your age?
   Would you be 20, 17, 95 or 5?
   This is confusing isn’t it because if you didn’t know your age, how would you know how to act? Yes, now you can see these two thoughts go together.  This is because we’ve all been taught to “act our age”. But if you didn’t know your age, you wouldn’t know how to act would you?
   We all know that people who are 40 or 50 or 60 aren't supposed to act like 17-year-olds. Or like 5-years olds or like 95-year olds. They're supposed to act their age, they are supposed to act like “adults”. Which means there are a lot of things we could do when we were 17 that we are not supposed to be able to do when we are 40 or 50.
   Once I was at a lecture with Wayne Dyer and he told this story. He was out running one day with his wife (he was 55 at the time) and there was a fence up ahead and as he started to jump over it, his wife shouted, "You can't do that..." But it was too late and he jumped over the fence anyway. Afterwards his wife said, "Wayne, you can't go jumping over fences like that... you're 55." And he said, "Oh, I forgot."
   Interesting isn't it?
   It is interesting to look at how the “age” thought limits us. How it sets limits to the way we look at ourselves and what we think we can do. And for most of us, this is something we are not even conscious of, but it’s happening just the same.  

   Here’s another question for you. Look at the picture of the woman shown here. Yes it’s me.  
   Now how do you feel about me if you think I’m 42? Oh you probably think, I’m an active woman, probably with a man and children and a career of my own.
   And now what if I tell you I am 49? How do you feel then? A bit different isn’t it… your story about me changes a bit doesn’t it. Thinking that I am almost 50 changes your perspective on me and where I am in my life.
   And now what if I tell you I am really 52? Now your story about me changes again doesn’t it? You can see that my children are older and you might be thinking, oh she looks pretty good for her age.
   And what if I tell you that I’m really 59? Then your story about me changes again doesn’t it and you are probably thinking – my goodness, she really is old. Nearly 60, wow that changes everything doesn’t it?
   And what if I tell you I’m 62? Now you are thinking, this is pretty amazing, she is really keeping well. I wonder what her beauty secrets are!
   And if I tell you I am really 69, well then you will probably think my goodness, this can’t be true. The woman is positively ancient.
   And it was all in the numbers right? Your story about me – about who I am, what I can do, where I am in my life, what kind of relationships I have, etc. All based on your perception of how old I am. It will even affect the way you read this article!
   Which brings me to what I would really like to talk about! As you know, I write books and all my books are about the way the mind works. And by this I mean, the ways in which our thoughts and stories influence our experience of life. I have discovered that the way we think, the way we look at things, is what determines if we are happy right this moment or not. It’s really so very simple, but most of us don’t know this secret yet.
   In this connection, aging is the perfect example of how this mechanism works in our lives.  Even though most people don’t notice what’s going on, it’s going on anyway! Which is why I started this article by asking you how would you act if you didn’t know your age? I asked you this because I wanted to point out to you the power of your stories about aging. I wanted you to notice how much your ideas about aging influence the way you act. I wanted you to notice that if you didn’t know your age, you wouldn’t know how to act. I wanted you to notice that every age – 30 – 40 – 50 – 60 has it rules of behavior and I also wanted you to notice how much these rules of behavior influence the way you act and feel today. And also how much they influence the way you look at other people and judge them!
   It’s really quite amazing.
   This also leads us to another interesting approach to the idea of aging. What if you choose right now to forget your age? Regardless of whether you are 30 – 40 – 50 – 60! What would that mean for your life and your behavior? How would that make you feel? Would you act differently? Would you feel freer? Younger? Older? Wiser? Stupider? Or what? It’s an interesting experiment. How would you relate to your children if you didn’t know how old you are? Or to your parents? Or to your friends? I suggest you take the time to sit quietly with yourself and play with these thoughts. It’s an interesting experiment.
    As far as I can see, we need a new “script” when it comes to aging! We’ve made a prison out of the aging thought – and this is a pretty crazy thing to do – especially since every man, woman and child on earth wants to be free. Free to be whoever they are regardless of their sex, religion, color and age!
   Isn’t that true of you too?
   And according to my birth certificate, I am…! Now what’s your story about me????

Bollum talks to Barbara - about the financial crisis

Here's another bit of sweet talk between the voices in my head (Bollum and Barbara)... It's true, I'm just like Gollum/Smeagol... he he he

Bollum: It’s just terrible. I don’t know what we’re going to do!

Barbara: About what?

Bollum: About the financial crisis, you nitwit… don’t you read the newspapers?

Barbara: Yes, I do read the newspapers…

Bollum: Well then you should know, this is a very serious situation, we could starve.

Barbara: Really?

Bollum: Yes my dear… STARVE!

Barbara: Well last time I looked (5 minutes ago), I had plenty of food in my refrigerator.

Bollum: Oh I’m not talking about now silly! I’m talking about the future.

Barbara: Oh I see. Well I don’t know about the future.

Bollum: Obviously, that’s why I think we need a plan.

Barbara: A plan for what?

Bollum: A plan to survive.

Barbara: Oh so you think we can make a plan to survive the financial crisis?

Bollum: Of course we can.

Barbara: Really? Well what do you think we should do Mr. WiseGuy – go out and force people to buy my books at gunpoint?

Bollum: Now you’re just being silly.

Barbara: Well what do you mean?

Bollum: Well first of all, you’ve got to start by saving.

Barbara: Really? What should I save? I don’t buy anything to begin with.

Bollum: Well you know, cut down on frivolous stuff like expensive make-up and designer clothes and travels to exotic places… you know.

Barbara: Well I don’t use expensive makeup or wear designer clothes or go on exotic travels to begin with… you know that… according to you all I do is bliss out on my sofa…

Bollum: Hmm

Barbara: So what else can I do?

Bollum: You know this makes me really worried. There must be something you can cut down on?

Barbara: I’m sure there is.

Bollum: But you know the danger is with everyone cutting down on their consumption the whole economy will come to a standstill…

Barbara: Well that’s what they say but you know I was thinking that this slowdown must be good for the environment… you know with everyone consuming less…

Bollum: Oh come on!

Barbara: No I’m serious. Just think about how good this is for the environment. Factories are making less so there’s less waste and less CO2 emission and people are buying fewer cars and travelling less so there’s less CO2 emission and…

Bollum: I never thought about that…

Barbara: Well maybe you should. Maybe this so-called financial crisis is Mother Earth’s way of making a much needed adjustment.

Bollum: Really?

Barbara: Well if we can’t cut down on our ridiculous over-consumption and stop trashing the planet by ourselves, maybe Mother Earth is doing it for us.

Bollum: But what about all the people who are out of work and who might starve?

Barbara: Well maybe that’s Mother Earth’s way of telling us to get our act together and start taking better care of the planet and of each other too… instead of just reading fashion magazines and thinking about ourselves…

Bollum: Oh there you go again…